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Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.

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f0t0s! [Aug. 4th, 2005|12:29 am]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.
ok people!!!!
www.livejournal.com/users/_cheap__thrills will be where i post pictures.
check there every so often and such.....
but it still remains a friends only journal...
you get the idea;)
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Poetry I wrote this morning! [Jul. 24th, 2005|06:10 am]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |the messenger - infected mushrooms]

...in some place where location is really of no matter to our story's unfolding,
we have myself, altered in my mind and glowing and dancing madly, like a child, like an angel possessed
to every electronic pulse imagineable that could reverberate through that amazing host of intentions Desired to be so far from hetero...
my body dying to break free of the heat of my sweat soaked clothes,
my clothes drenched in my body's feeble attempt to cool off from the horrendous heat, despite the miniscule top and it's attempts to compensate for the obscene vastness of my yellow bottoms dragging through everything spilled on this club dancefloor
my arms are flying free of any type of constriction, moved only by the music and the aural passion aural pleasure and all that bass
i'm jumping, i'm breathing hard with a soother in my mouth, i'm high, i'm inspired, i'm screaming, i'm silent,
i AM screams
i AM silence
i'm so inarguably and so unhinderedly human then. and only then.
and THEN! once i'd established my neurological chemistry experiment had succeeded wonderfully and i was freed and solely a marionette for this music i love so dearly, while on a level of floor higher than the rest of the crowd, the sea of a crowd, the dense carpet of people all moving so differently but at the same time,
i discovered a fourth had joined us,
on this higher leveled rainbow clad and glowing triad of delirious dancing fools,
had turned our three, on top of this world with a life span of one night,
into four, and added another kid with a soother like the one i so childishly, though comfortably, wore in my mouth to save my grinding teeth.
no "once upon a time..." will you find here, this is not a fairy tale, nor could this be because it's real.
this could not start like one either, because to be honest, fairy tales and children's stories have nothing like any of this.
well, of course save a few of those aspects every love story lust story flirt story beginning story is unavoidably the bearer of.
but there is not a censored scene, no dialogue is edited to be without the ecstatic and overjoyed eruptions of the word, "FUCK!" at the sheer awe struck into he or i by this music's power and inspiration
in this story you'll know we've gotten high
gotten fucked up
gotten our synthetic nirvanas flowing inside our veins and brain pathways.
and you'll hear exactly what and how it's making us feel and how much or how little we paid for it.
you'll hear the deviating thoughts in the interior monologues of these hormonal and chemically ignited brains he and i do posess...
but, as previously addressed, the structure remains the same or roughly the same everytime.
boy meets girl, girl meets boy
some sort of flirtatious dance in any sense of the word takes place
boy gives girl a flower, as an attempt to win her over with gifts, or something
girl smiles and blushes, accepting this
shows her gratitude in some way
blah, blah, ect.
and then upon parting from their first meeting so sweet, an unplanned kiss occurs and they allow their feet to carry themselves away in their different directions.
only when we met the dance had already begun,
and he gave to me his bright glowing beautiful smile and....green glowsticks.
i smiled, did not blush but into my hands i quickly held them, between my fingers for added something
and danced my heart out for some reason,
some reason that, looking back now, i realize was merely to impress his eyes and thoughts.
and then when we parted ways i hugged his body of fatigued and altered muscle and bone and sweat and breath to mine of the same, and then lips...
and then the night between us ended as was intended.
now we see me in my twitterpation
over a boy whose mouth entertains pacifiers meant for infants so to quell his clenching jaw's tenacity
a boy who gave a girl green glowsticks and an honest but inebriated smile instead of anything else you might expect
a bracelet wearing electro-head narco-ticked delirious dancer raving lunatic beautiful obscure creature so close to seeming mythical where habits of socializing are concerned
a boy with dark hair and dark eyes
a boy with the ability to with his body become a concrete expression of the music he involves with the space he fills
the ability to, without a single sound, scream cry laugh sing yell whisper every auditory flux and change and beat so heart-like with his body and nothing more than the language it exhudes so unbelievably deftly, skillfully, flawlessly, irreproducably.
a boy who raises the need inside of myself to know more about his everything
and get to know his insides
get to know his soul.
and from more than just his passions shared with me for electronic music and dancing and green glowsticks.
from knowing him.
so after all this, i guess the bottom line is last night i danced so endlessly furiously.
my brain silenced and my message was in my moving bones
last night i met a boy in the same nook of spiritual and mental existence as i,
and he gave me glowsticks.
which to me are more precious because though the glowing inside is only sure to last half a day,
like a flower it will not grow brittle and turn to dust.
maybe it means something.
oh untainted initial infatuations.
-July 24, 2005

Losing Myself in an Electronic Haze, Giving Myself To The Beauty of Bass and Space.

Most romances begin with simplified versions of the "real thing", with flowers and with insecurities and shy whispered giggles
and a total lack of the ability to say anything at all similar to what you had wanted to say so badly in the first place
There's a hint of laughter in my confidence
There's a taste of relief as well
because any fences that may have needed crossing were blown down by the wind i seem to bring with me whenever I go
looking for romance, for once willing to try taking baby steps
baby steps i soon find out to be unnecessary in everything.
last night i got lost in an electronic haze
and i met a boy who shared my plastic beaded bracelet obsession, my fixation on dancing only with a mouthful of a pacifier oddly intended for those over 13,
and for bass and machinery magic made into hardcore electronic music.
He gave me glowsticks.
He danced his heart out with me,
He showed me where his passion lay with the most overpowering of force,
And though the passion and fire and intensity was all there, no moving you to tears will he ever commit.
He showed me where his passion lay, undisturbed until he catches that boom boom boom boom of the bass that drives his feet to control him
And with a grin on his face like that of a child at christmas,
The music will take him and make him its plaything, its marionette, its clay.

I witnessed something I'd seen before
Many times before had I seen someone so submissive to those demanding basslines and electronic everything elses
Had I witnessed such intense and burning passion for becoming part of the music that so fully takes a hold of you, and
has so much power over you and your everything.
I'd seen it before, time and again, it was nothing new to me,
But to see it in yourself and only yourself,
Never to have had even the smallest glimmer of that same in anyone else,
That, well, that can grow terribly mundane and ordinary.

I witnessed something last night I had seen before but only in myself and never another
And when the realization struck me the way it did and near knocked me to my knees,
I danced twice as hard and grew unreceptive to my body's pleas for rest
My heart and my soul were too intoxicated by it all to even bother.

I know it's odd for me now to think,
the morning after so much intensity erupted flawlessly creating a night with a generous streak
where the melodies replaced my blood stream and the basslines replaced my heartbeat
And I was no longer in control of my movements, Music was moving me and living in me.
I became the record on the tables, the sounds across the air, the thing that sent the entire building into rhythmic movements, whether voluntary or involuntary it made no difference.

There was no resistance.

To be taken over by the sensation of total spiritual liberation, of flight above the crowds, of losing the knowledge of negative anything, of nearly God-like lucidity and power, without the ego...
That, my dear, is without a doubt the most beautiful experience you will ever have in your whole life.

And when you see someone else looking the way you do when you feel that way,
when you see someone having nearly the appearance of someone who has reached that same exact spiritual summit of your own personal "everest",
I suppose one could call it,
You can't help but be swept away into the very same,
And get yourself into some kind of weird and wonderful hopeful but still small crush or infatuation on this person if the timing is right.

And even though most romances begin with simplified versions of the "real thing", with flowers and with insecurities and shy whispered giggles
and a total lack of the ability to say anything at all similar to what you had wanted to say so badly in the first place
There's always that permanent hint of laughter in my confidence
There's a taste of relief as well so same to that hint of laughter
And that's because any fences that may have needed crossing were blown down by the wind i seem to bring with me whenever I go looking for romance, for once willing to try taking baby steps
baby steps i soon find out to be unnecessary in everything.
Baby steps I've now given up on trying to use.

last night i got lost in an electronic haze
and i met a boy who shared my obsession,
My obsession with the unordinary and obscurity in the purest.
So instead of flowers, he gave me glowsticks,
Instead of writing me a love song on his acoustic guitar he doesn't own that he never got from his grandfather,
He showed me his passion as he danced the way I do, That poetry out of limbs and a torso and a head with melodies for blood and such sweetly unforgiving basslines for a heartbeat
Dancing and flooding the air space around the body with intense good energy as powerfully and as far as it is capable of,
The same way I've only ever seen done in my full length mirror back in my room in the house where my parents raised me.
As spontaneous lovers of some strange way we therefore did not follow conventional lover's laws
Instead of any of those sweet nothings were shared little pills, instead of swooning there were sideways glances bursting with mischeiviously deviant brain bursts,
Instead of the back seat of some car on some secluded lookout,
our feet carried us
our bodies surrendered
our spirits fornicated with what in the air should be.
And instead of flowers you gave me glowsticks.
But that's ok because they'll last longer anyway.

Last night I got lost in an Electronic Haze
And surrendered my soul to that beautiful Bass

You admitted to me, you confessed it clear and without fear, your addiction's just the same
But this confession was never spoken, no words needed come from your lips you just danced and from your limber bones they came

When our blood was traded for melodies and our souls took to flight
We were born pure once more as Stars, The Blessed Children of the Night.

Tonight so much further will I get lost in that Electronic Haze
And with you by my side we'll surrender our souls to that all encompassing Bass.

My pulse for an electronic beat, My blood for every of your melodies
No lies if things like this could kill without regret I'd have given myself this disease

We've surrendered, let those machines and electricity have our all to command
In spotless trust our foot as their foot, and our modest hands their royal hands

Surrender and sacrifice, made only for securing my spirit's endless freedom skyward in that deep and blissful space
Nirvana and Heaven stand as suicidal competitors, As they meet for the first time the soft strength of my borderless bass

This is my newfound spiritual peace so completely unflawed, entirely caused when I succumbed to getting lost not knowing what happened next or direction in that saintly and Electronic Haze
And now, I know what true freedom's meaning involves and I've found my Jesus Christ underneath My Music's Melody in that Beautiful Godly groove called Bass.
-July 24, 2005
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Short and Sweet and Hopefully not too much. [Jun. 17th, 2005|10:44 am]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.
[Current Mood |gratefulgrateful]
[Current Music |Force and Styles Ft. Jenna - Follow Me]

In an effort to refrain from flooding your email inbox, and seeing that I had one more small thing to say, I decided to leave it for you to stumble upon when next you decide to browse through my journal.
I also felt as though it was something that didn't really necessitate secrecy.
Why not out in the open? I've nothing to hide, nor am I saying anything incriminating.
So I'll get on with it....

I just wanted to tell you again that I'm sorry, and also that I only wish the best for you in wherever you go when you "move on" and away from this point in time that marks the end of what was so few days ago our time, when we were together and when we were "we".
I wish you the best, and all the luck or good fortune or whatever I can possibly hope for to head in your direction so that your future, even though it won't be the same as what we had mapped out and I won't be such a part of it anymore, is as good for you as pleases you.
I also sincerely hope that you'll be able to find someone for you to love, and who will love you back the way you need to be loved, and who will respect you the way i was never able to, because of our differing outlooks and ways of whatever it was that when it came down to it, we couldn't see eye to eye on.
I also hope that you'll pick yourself up from all of this, lift your head up, and take each lesson we were taught throughout our existing as "we" and as the couple that we were, and I hope you will learn every lesson presented to you, and I hope it makes you stronger and helps you continue growning.
I know that I for one have been focusing on personal growth from all that I've stood to learn from this tragic ending that we fell victim to.
I'm working from this, and towards what it is that I hold as my aspirations, as my dreams, and as my goals as far as pertaining to what I want out of this life I'm currently living. I'm dealing with situations differently, I'm growing more, and I'm getting closer to where I want to be, who I want to be, and what it is I wish to do because of my newfound knowledge from lessons learned and from the different(slightly but very apparent to me) way I choose to view things, and how I've been dealing differently with things in my life.
I only hope you can grow from this too.

I only ever wanted the best for you, and I've come to realize that you will only realize those things best for you when you are no longer coupled with me. I can't say that that thought doesn't make me sad, because it does, but I'm not going to let it consume me, because that would only hinder what I'm trying to achieve.
If you without me is what is nessesary for the both of us to move forward in our lives and to achieve our dreams, then I guess it has to be that way.

Just remember always how much I loved you, and cared for you, and how much it pains me to realize and see just how much I actually did hurt you. Because in hurting you, I only ended up hurting myself. And that's because I lost you and I.

Stay the beautiful person I know you are, and keep looking ahead. It will get better for you and you will find someone who will be everything to you that you had thought I was, but could never be to you.
And though I tried, I failed in doing that, and for that I'm sorry for getting your hopes up.
I know I'm by no means perfect, but for you I did try. Even if it seems otherwise.
Take care of yourself, and remember how I taught you to smile like you really mean it and never forget that the sun will always rise for you every morning, and the future is the only path that will lead you to finding happiness with yourself as well as with another.

All the best:)


Ps: And remember....You'll always have my love. I promised it to you, and I don't make promises I can't keep, nor do I break promises. So remember I love you. And I wish you nothing but good health and happiness wherever you go.


Thank you for all you showed me and for all you meant to me.
And thank you for letting me mean something to you.
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(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2005|02:35 am]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.

it's fun!
hooray means fun!
i think i've found the meaning of life!!
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(no subject) [Jun. 10th, 2005|02:11 pm]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.
[Current Mood |crappycrappy]
[Current Music |anabolic frolic - always be the love of my life]



and for the record, fuck you too.

...and by "fuck you too" i mean i'm terribly in love with you; it's too consuming to ever stop. that, and i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm fucking sorry.
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oh no, look what we've gotten ourselves into this time... [Jun. 9th, 2005|09:26 pm]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.
[Current Mood |crushedcrushed]

It's so strange and so hard and so unfathomable to me
when i realize that what i thought would never end,
has just died in my fingers and fallen away through the cracks.
i can't believe we died.
i can't believe we died.
i can't believe we died.

but we did, my love, and i only wish i could tell you it was all just a bad dream.
someone please pinch me to let me know it's not for sure.
i'm dying softly by myself in it's wake.

i can't believe we died.
i'm such a fool.
it never fails.
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(no subject) [Jun. 8th, 2005|10:30 am]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.
[Current Mood |numbnumb]
[Current Music |nothing. blah.]

light a smoke for giving up on me and one more just cause they'll kill you soon. to my favorite liar (to my favorite scar): "i could have died with you" i hope you choke on those words and that bottle. ash out your insides. "when i said i loved you, i swear to god i lied". lately i've been thinking i hope you catch fire cause i wouldn't piss to put you out. i'm sunk so. hang yourself. his smile is your rope. wrap it tight around your throat. on the drive home with him joke about the kid you used to see (and his jealousy) breaking hearts has never looked so cool. as you wrap your car around a tree. your make-up looks great on the steering wheel. right next to his teeth. the accident scene is called "you get what you deserve"

hooray for falloutboy.

So it's official.
I've been dumped.
And the thing that sucks is that for some reason, I can't cry.
Oh god I wish I could.
My heart is in a million pieces and all I can think about is him.
Why did you have to do this to me?
I love you.
I hope you'll always remember that.
I was ready to marry you.
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hot! [Jun. 7th, 2005|08:00 am]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.
picture links for every fancy!!!
as long as your fancy happens to be along the lines of a Pin-Up Fetish =D!!!

Read more...Collapse )







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She's a lost little girl... [Jun. 7th, 2005|07:11 am]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |some trance song I like but don't know the name of]

..somewhere beneath the surface,
She's a frightened little girl,
So far from anything she has ever been exposed to or taught or known.
Freefalling so quickly, and so much further and further away,
From all of her old familiar everything,
All that she's ever known, ever had.
She's all alone.
At least in the space up inside her skull
So full of all the things that create her fears
All of the things that weave together all the fantasies of the pleasant nature,
Full of everything that fuels the every various kind of gear in her mind,
Full of the things that help her feel less lonely,
At least in her mind, in her eyes, from her perspective anyway.

But despite all of the things which downwards they do pull her in perpetual motions,
Despite the everything she's got to cause her misdirections
and those fears of hers that are mostly fears of everything surrounding her,
There's still one thing she's got going for her,
In her eyes she's still a pretty girl,
She's still got her looks even if that's all she'll ever see inside herself,
She's still a girl with a face that could grace a magazine,
And she's got whatever courage she's built up,
However minute an amount it may be, from that.
She gets her ability to hold up her head,
From knowing she can light up a room with her pretty smile.

In nearly all of her everything,
that which makes up her everyday,
her every moment in which she claims for existence,
All she knows, it remains to seem,
Are lies and clouded half truths told with forked tongues
Told by everyone surrounding her,
Everyone so insensitive, so uncaring, so inconsiderate to what she needs
So cold to how she needs to be,
How she needs to be in her life, as the girl that she is,
To make it out alive and aimed towards doing well.

But even though she knows that all of the everything she does,
In every way,
And every piece of what this is,
And what makes up everything she does,
She still knows she's a pretty girl,
She knows she's a a girl who's got talents,
She's a girl who's able to get by on not saying a word or making a sound or moving a muscle.
She's a lost little girl,
And just as far beneath she's also a scared little girl,
A timid and insecure little girl,
but at least she know's she's pretty.
It's a start.
At least she hopes it is.

Hopes this "start" she hopes and thinks she's gained,
Will result in gaining more ground in her quest for finding her way,
In losing her cripplingly secret fears,
Those phobias that hold her down more than anyone will ever know,
because she hides it all so well.

But it's a beginning, at least,
She hopes.
Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Don't worry, this isn't a poem written about me, I just wrote it a few minutes ago, however, so I figured I'd post it. So don't you worry your little heads, I'm not all depressed or anything..lol. I'm happy as a clam:)
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They're so beautiful in their dismay. [Jun. 7th, 2005|04:02 am]
Dying Pretty Beats Living Long and Getting Ugly.
[Current Mood |creative]
[Current Music |the first day of my life - bright eyes]

So I've been thinking about changing my name to something "Classic Pretty", if you know what I mean by that. If you don't, what I mean is something like Jane, or Betty, or Alice, or Lisa, or maybe even just changing it to my middle name, which is Elizabeth. Or my old alternate, which was Ruby...*shrugs*
But if anyone has any ideas they might come up with, or how one goes about legally changing their name, please do tell me so. I'd love to hear any suggestions you kids may have:)

Now I had something to type, but now I don't remember.
So now, because I seem to be making a habit of doing this, here are some pretty poetic things behind the cut.
Luv you all!:)

<lj-cut text="poetry bleeds out of me almost easier than blood from a gaping wound or air from my lungs</lj-cut> It's 2 am again and she kisses me goodbye for the sixteenth time and i'm driving home it's 2 am and I'm lookin at the sun coming up over the hills and the clouds are turning pink and green and all i can see is her eyes.. i get blinded when she opens the door it's like looking into the sun and i'm just blinkin, mumblin, staring at my shoes and she just looks at me and smiles .... And so I thought I’d let you know That these things take forever I especially am slow But I realize that I need you And I wondered if I could come home Think i was blind before i met you ... Long decemeber but there's reason to believe that maybe this yr will be better than the last I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving And now the days go by so fast... ... There's a girl on the car in the parking lot She says "man, you should try to take a shot. cant you see my walls are crumbling?" And she looks up at the building and says "Im thinking of jumping" She says she's tired of life Well everybody's tired of something... ... It's times like these I wish I were a tin man You could hurt me all you wanted And I'd never even know I'd give anything just to be the tin man And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul Well I'd give anything just to be the tin man And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't miss you so ... I dream I'm in New York City some nights And angels float down from all the buildings Something about an angel just kills me I keep hoping something will ... If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget... You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. ...
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